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Illiterate Americans (This is a response to a few emails I sent my dad in regaurd to how search engines were picking up this page. "Ernest Hemmingway Depressed Alcholic," "sicilian culo" and "Fertility Ceremony" all point this page when entered into google. I hate to say it, but this may very well be the final "Father Knows Best" email. For some reason I find it to be a fitting end to this page) Matt, The country must be full of illiterate ignorant people. I mean when my e-mails are being hit for information then there must be slim pickens out there. I guess some people must think Oh, yeah Ennest Hemmingway killed himself. Yeah, that was the guy who sang for the Doors,right. And who the hell is seaching the net for culo sicilian. The only people I can think of are lonley guys looking for some sicilian ass. (watch now sicilian ass will come up #2 on google for guys searching for a piece of sicilian ass).What about the fertility ceremony? I don't know,when my e-mails are used for info ther must be little else on the web other than a few amatuer comedians posting information about themselves on their web sites. Pitiful ain't it. Love, The French are Weird 2/16/2004 7:59pm Matt, I have always said that the French are weird. This recently heard true story proves my point. A woman living in Nice, France, had to get approval from the president of France before she could marry. Why? Because the man she married is DEAD. That's right, old Jaques Chirac gave her the o.k. to marry a dead man. Now most people in the U.S.upon hearing this assume that there is money invovled. Maybe if this was in the states, but this is France. They are just weird! She said she was still emmotionally attacched to him and still communicated with him on a spiritual level. There are obvios advantages to this relationship. He will never come home late. He will never scream at her or say bad things to her. Of course, she could never get him to sign divorce papers if she one day tires of him. My feeling is she'll probably cremate him and make an ash out of him. The French are weird.This is why we don't want them running Iraq or the U.N. Just watch them jumping around like a bunch of goof balls during Bastille Day. I rest my case. Love, Your Papa
Catholics Matt, I was at the hospital today at the nurses station. Two catholic women "deacons" were giving out communion to the patients. They wanted to know if one of my patients could receive communion. I said it was ok but I thought she might have just eaten(thinking that you had to wait one hour after eating in order to receive communion). Oh no they said, if you are sick in the hospital, you don't have to wait one hour. The goddam catholics! There they go again, changing the dam rules. When I was a catholic several years ago, the mass was in latin, you could not eat three hours, and not drink one hour before receiving communion. You had to go to mass on sunday for it to count. No one but the priest could touch the host, women had to wear hats or a scarf on their heads in church, and St. Christopher was one of the top ten saints. Now, you can go to church on saturday and it counts for sunday. You can probably woof down a krispycream doughnut right before you walk in to church and still receive communion. The mass is in english, St. Chistopfher was kicked off the team, and women are passing out communon! Don't even get me started on the friday meat thing. It used to be that you would burn in hell if you ate meat on friday. Then they said you only couldn't eat meat on fridays during lent, then they said you only had to not eat meat on good friday. Now I think you can have meat on any friday as long as you kiss a fish the day before easter. The point I'm trying to make here is that the catholics change the rules more often than Madona changes her costums during a concert. This is why the catholics had to create purgatory. Purgatory is for the people who broke the rules that eventually were or will be changed. The people who ate meat on friday years ago and died went ot purgatory. Now that the rule is changed they can go to heaven. What is tha point of being catholic if you don't have to follow stupid rules and can't have a st. Chritopher statue in your car? You may as well be protestant! Be Happy,
Fertility Ceremony of St. Peter 3/05/2003 - This is a fertility ceremony that my father performed for one of his co-workers. Click on the link above to view.
Lei e' un cafone stronzo! These emails began with my challenging our pronunciation of certain Italian words. The battle has only just begun, so more is sure to come 10/7/02 6:14pm Here are the
words we have been mispronouncing all along: Ciao 10/7/02 6:41pm Matt, So wats tha matta wit you? You getting to be Mr. smarty pants or sumtin? Hows about I kick your smarty culo all the way to the bagno and take a piscione on you. You gonna tell me how to speak Eyetalian? I been talkin the native tongue long before you were even a strounza. So go back to your college and try and learn sumtin so you dont grow up to be stupid. Amore, 10/7/02 7:11pm Interestingly enough, I can't find a translation for strounza. I mean, sure, as I said before there is the Sicilian dialect, but why don't you tell me what you think strounza means and I'll find the mainland translation. Mr. Smarty
pants strikes again - 10/8/02 7:13pm Mr. Smarty etc. ,etc., etc., the best of my knowledge it means "little turd".Reference turd or shit or little shit head. I'll ask grandma for more info but she has trouble spelling english words let alone Itailian. Bene Noche, (as of this writing, I found out that STRONZO indeed means turd. I have sent the email admitting my defeat, so I'm preparing myself for the response) - Matt
The Godfather 8/28/02 Preface: Response to usual request for money Matt, I am honored to have sent you the check today on the day of your daughter's wedding. Now that I have granted you this favor, I may one day ask for a favor in return. Love,
Ernest Hemmingway, Communists,James Bond and yes, the Irish 6/6/02 Matt, I received your short two sentence e-mail. Only Ernest Hemingway could write more succinctly than that. However he is dead. Put a shotgun to his mouth and blew his head off. He was a depressed alcoholic of course. He wasn't Irish, they don't get depressed. They are too drunk to know their true condition. I hear you will be living with Dr. Lee. BEWARE!!! She is secrectly working for the Chinese Communist underground and is recruiting young college men to participate in her evil web of espionage. You probably don't beleive me, but at least watch out for her shoes(tiny knife blades-see Bond From Russia with Love). Will send you the info requested. Later,
X-Mas, Enron, and Britney Spears PREFACE: (My christmas stuff was supposed to be mailed to me, but it took awhile for anyone to care, sniff) Matt, After weeks of planning and hard work, your Christmas presents have finally escaped. We got hundreds of packages out in the darkness. Actually, I mailed one large box out today by UPS.(didn't want fedex, worried that the package might wind up on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean with Tom Hanks). You should get it by next Monday. The tracking # is:************. It should arrive way before 3/17, which of course is St. Patrick's Day, so the chances of a drunken Irishman spilling green beer on it is remote.This doesn't stop him from spilling regular beer on it which of course they drink to excess on all other days of the year. But enough about the drunken Irish. I hope every thing arrives intact. I wrapped everything tighter than an Enron executives lips at a congressional subcommittee hearing. Hope to hear from you before Brittany Spears announces her first illegitimate pregnancy. Love ya, Dad
The Great Escape (letter w/ money) Matt, Thanks for helping us pack during our final days in Los Gatos. "We can get hundreds of boxes out in that darkness." I would suggest spending the bulk of it (money) on booze and broads. Love, Dad
Dandruff and One-eyed Bearded Men (letter from home with money) Don't worry if you see a white powdery substance on this letter -> it's just my dandruff. Gross but harmless. Stay away from one-eyed bearded men who face east three times a day and (rest is unreadable) Love, Dad.
Fuck Saint Patrick's Day Matt, Hi. Just wanted to share a few thoughts with you about the Irish. Name me one thing an Irishman invented that doesn't have to do with alcohol or containers that hold alcohol. All they do is drink and sing. They had a potato famine for Christ sakes! A four year old can grow a potato in a glass in the kitchen and the Irish have a potato famine. I think the potato crop probably grew OK that year but they were too drunk and the crop rotted before they were sober enough to harvest it. So then they came over to America and became cops. The only reason they have a parade is because they get lonely drinking alone. But that's just my opinion I could be wrong. By the way the Sopranos started a couple of weeks ago. Sundays on HBO. Will be seeing you soon. Dad
The Irish strike back (by Brian Kelly, best friend(?) back in Slidell) OK first I want to say, suck it to my greasy Italian buddy Matt. all right, dude. Like posting little hate threads to the Internet? Thank my Irish brothers for that; they invented the induction coil which is what made electricity possible. Fond of using your poor grammar and hackish attempts at humor? Well you certainly could not pollute the Internet with this filth nor put it to paper (I lament this) if it were not for the Irish missionaries and clergy who preserved the ancient texts of the classical age. It sure would be hard to be writing this crap for you if you hadn't had a bloody renaissance (which of course you are going to claim as Italian, you dirty Sicilian). Furthermore, if you are found of satire then you better bow down to Jonathan Swift- yes, he's Irish too. Now on another front, who do you think fought in the wars that made your backwards Mediterranean homeland free? It wouldn't have gotten done by you lazy, fat, screw a lot, greasy losers who couldn't build a bicycle yourselves until the early 20th century. Thank the Irish and their compatriots the wild Scottish. So Mr. 50+governments-in-50-years, go home eat your cannoli and eat your Italian ice; Western Civilization has progressed not by your stagnant culture but by the Irish (and perhaps the British and Germans). As your homeland sits idly by waiting over 3 months to receive their meager socialist state checks from the blackhole of a civil society they live in, perhaps you will consider meeting me in Ireland and getting a bloody job; oh? You didn't know that Ireland was the fastest economy in Europe? Technology abounding? So think about what you have done and I and my people will hold our whiskey bottles in one hand and the pain of the world in the other because frankly we've earned it and proven ourselves. Oh and by the way, you guys still can't build a decent bicycle..... *Brian Kelly, a proud American of Irish descent.
The Battle Continues (by Mike MacCurdy, an old friend with a Scottish Grudge) Dude, The irish are a bunch of drunk loosers, they were conquored and colonized by the british, the british, who lost a war to rag tag band of colonists in america. Hows that for lame. How fucking inebriated do you have to be to loose to the british? The british couldn't even defeat germany with the help from the americans. At least my people, the scotts, could defeat the british and when back they're freedom (see braveheart). What heros have the Irish produce? William Wallace is fucking awesome. Later, Mike Mike MacCurdy is currently spending his days with damn dirty hippies at the University of California in Santa Cruz.
Carnival Workers with Small Hands Matt, Got your e-mail. Sorry to see that since you've moved to California you no longer speak English. Glad to see that things are going good despite the apparent brain death. Will be seeing you in a couple of weeks. Tell Jeff and mom hello. Try and stay away from drugs that may cause permanent brain damage and carnival workers with small hands. Love,
Old Dog, New Tricks Matt, If you are reading this,I must have got this right. If you are not reading this then I just wasted my time, but then you wouldn't know that because you would not be reading this. I am sending you a letter from Knox. It is a withdrawal notice. You need to fill it out and send it back to them. After our talk last night I don't have much to say. I just wanted to try this out to see if I could E-mail you. Let me know if you get this. A simple "I got it", or "Got it", or just "G T". All I'm asking for is a simple fricking response with a "l a s e r " attached to it and one Billion dollars. Talk to you later, |
