mattmorales.com

It sure feels great to be typing this: I will be making my national TV debut on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson this Thursday!

I’ll be doing the Improv that Wednesday at 10pm in West Hollywood if you’d like a preview, too!

– very excited Matt

I have a love hate relationship with blogs. I find that I either read something truly unique that expands my awareness of an issue or I just waste 20 minutes wading through hyperbolic garbage. The blog re-posted below is one of the latter. This comes from Elite Daily, which claims to be “The Voice Of Generation-Y…a medium for people tired of disingenuous content.” (From their Facebook Page). My commentary is, obviously, in bold.

Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore
Finally, a blogger will explain to me how to be a real man. Please, enlighten me.
Life • Paul Hudson • May 29, 11:39am

There was once a time when men used to be real men. When? What time period? A range of years would be preferred, but I’ll settle for the last year when they stopped being men. I ask because specifics like these are what separate actual journalism from amateur garbage. When they dressed with style, when they had a certain honor code they followed that involved treating not only their elders and each other with respect, but women alike. Which men did this? I’m assuming you didn’t just make these broad generalizations up and you based them off of observations of actual historical men. Unfortunately, those days are far- gone — a thing of the past. Yea, again, a year range would be awesome. Like, is this before or after husbands were legally allowed to rape their wives? Was that when men were classy? What we have now is… to be quite honest, I’m not sure. Hey, we both don’t know what the fuck it is you’re talking about! Whew!

There are of course certain men out there who still have their affairs in order, but we are few in number. How many? I’m willing to take a percentage on this. Like, 20%? And what does this data consist of? Monetary worth? Good deeds?What people are most often subject to is the company of boys who are refusing to grow up and man up — boys who prefer to play with their toys than to do their part in bettering society, the human race and the world as a whole. Agreed! Put the video games down and volunteer, dudes. Finally, we’re on the same page. These poor excuses for men have the bodies of adults and the mentalities, as well as the social outlook of toddlers. Horny toddlers, but toddlers nonetheless. My girlfriend’s nephew is a toddler. He likes to kiss dogs on the mouth. Its kind of awesome. How dare you insult him.

It’s all about character — or in this case, the lack of character. Something has been happening during this era dubbed the “information age.” Social media platforms have taken away the need to interact face to face, taking away the need for actual interaction. This is great in many regards: you can now keep in touch with friends and family all over the world from a handheld device. You mean a phone, right? You know phones could do that before they had the internet. It was called long-distance. Also, I believe your argument is starting to lose focus. Gee, I wonder if that will continue.

However, much of the interpersonal confrontations are now also taking place online. People no longer feel that they have a need to meet in person to discuss their differences; they can now troll each other online. Back to phones: I recall you could talk to people while not being face to face by using those, too. People are using the Internet as a shield, hiding behind IP addresses in order to speak their minds. NO ARGUMENT, but once again, FOCUS…LOSING The Internet acts like beer-muscles. It makes you believe that you are stronger than you actually are, making you more aggressive. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive when circumstances require it. Like when? When you are actually being physically assaulted? And how aggressive do you get back? What. Are. You. Talking. About?

Personally, when my fight or flight response mechanism kicks in, I always go with fight. Good for you, violence is the answer! We are talking about the true definition of fighting right? Not an internet fight? Because you never specify this. It’s not by choice; it’s just the way that I am wired. Fact. We have no way to control our compulsions and become better people. Great observation. Online, people have no need to run away because they are already in hiding — so they always choose to “fight.” Like you! You just said you did that! Although the fighting they do is just about as significant as the fighting I do when I play Call of Duty. Hey, that’s a video game, isn’t it? Wait a minute, isn’t a video game a toy? Didn’t you just say that men today are at fault for playing with toys? Do you have an internal editor at all?

The same interaction from beneath cover can be seen when we look at the intercommunication between men and women. It is no secret that both men and women alike have sexual urges. Men, however, feel the need to get off more often than most women. Science! So instead of having to spend the time to meet a real woman and have actual sexual intercourse, they watch porn. Psyche! We do both!

Instead of going out into the real world and meeting women, they stalk women on Instagram. See above response to porn! People now date online as well. It’s much easier to talk to a woman online than it is in person—or rather, it’s not that it’s easier. Both are just as easy, but for some reason, men now prefer to hide their faces behind their monitors. (Every time I use the term ‘men’ in such context I quiver) I’m quivering reading this right now! I may vomit! It’s out of fear and laziness. Men have become lazy pussies. There ya go, talkin’ like a real man. I don’t even want to use the word pussy because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men. As opposed to when they had less? What does that mean?

Generation-Y is the instant gratification generation. LINK. VISIT THIS LINK. We want what we want right at the moment we figure out that we want it. We are willingly giving up one of the most important things in life: the waiting period. Having to wait and having to deal with our urges and wants without instantly having them satisfied is what builds character and is what we are now lacking in this fast-paced age. Like how you hammered out this shit-fest in half-an-hour, right?

If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. Remember how we couldn’t order food to be delivered before the internet? Right? Oh wait. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. Oh no! If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. Gasp, the convenience! If we want sex, we masturbate. I think this predates internet and delivery food, btw If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. Ditto We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored. Once again, I agree, but what the fuck does this have to do with the title of your article? Is this about men being “men” or society being overly-convenient? All of those conveniences are enjoyed by women, too, you realize. Girls have Spotify, last I checked.

Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Like how? An example would be awesome right here. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. They certainty don’t feel the need to think about evidence for their arguments. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment. Never. We are never disappointed. Ever. Except, maybe, when we read this.

We never really feel that we are missing out on something because we no longer give things much importance. Jackie never got back to your text message? I’m sure you have several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to f*ck — once. Yea! Its like I have this little piece of paper filled with numbers of people I like to call to hook up with! And when somebody turns me down I look at this piece of paper and dial another number! Seriously dude, you are killing yourself with phone examples. Dudes were douchebags before iPhones. THEY FOUND A WAY. Then you’ll get bored and move on to the next one. Men treat women like interchangeable commodities. Only now! Not in the past! When men could literally have a woman as a piece of property. Not then. Now. I do believe that most men still hope to one day fall in love and settle down. Aw, you’re sweet But none of them will unless they change their way of thinking and living. NONE. NOT ONE. THAT IS NOT AT ALL OVERSTATING THINGS

Being focused on self-satisfaction will lead to nothing but broken relationships. Real men are not selfish. Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness. Real men have a well-defined code of ethics and respect that they follow. This is, so far, the only reasonable, well said and truthful statement you’ve made. Congratulations. 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.

How can anyone call himself a man if the last time he had to confront another man — whether it be over a social incident or for business purposes — was before he hit puberty? What? If you don’t have the twiddle-diddles WHAT? to approach a woman at a bar in person and have a proper, intellectual conversation, making the woman feel respected and comfortable, then move over for the real men. Yea, be a real man and pick up chicks at a bar. There ya go, buddy. Get em nice and drunk while you’re at it. Ass.

It’s awful because women are becoming accustomed to such boys and believing that these pansies are all that is left of our sex. If only they had more ‘Bros like you to choose from. Sigh. Some great women are settling for these fools and then finding that they themselves have no choice but to wear the pants in the family because their “man” is PMSing. All I can hope for is that the law of evolution will see the world rid of these weaklings, these characterless, hopeless pseudo-men. True speak from a genuine man of science like yourself.

Ladies… real men do exist; there aren’t many of us, but we’re survivors and will be around for a while. Come find us. Wait, are you just a bitter single dude trying to pick up chicks on the internet with this inane article? Making you the exact Call of Duty playing dipshit that you are criticizing? Man, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, good luck, you’re obviously a real catch.

By “Punch Lines” I mean the Bay Area clubs that are oh-so-good to me. Its the beginning of a busy May where I’ll be featuring in Sacramento starting tonight and in San Francisco from the 22nd – 25th.

So if you’re in the East Bay, check me out this week with Dan Soder and Casey Ley. If you are in SF, I’ll be with Barry Rothbart and Colleen Watson . I’m really excited for both of these weeks. Both Colleen and Casey are good friends of mine and its always a fun to work with people you like hanging out with in general. And while I don’t personally know Barry or Dan, they are both funny guys who tweet about sports, which leads me to believe we’ll get along just fine. Then there’s the fact that I’ve got LOTS O NEW JOKES. That’s right, there’s plenty of stuff you haven’t heard.

So yea, that all starts tonight. Other news includes: I edited, audio mixed, sfx’ed, animated, lit, helped shoot, helped direct, helped run live sound, drank lots of coffee for a project that is meant to promote ABC’s “Family Tools” sitcom. This means I’ve got an actual network TV credit as a video editor/animator. Not too bad for just getting back into the game. Hopefully this leads to more editing/animating/production!

Speaking of video: if you go to my YouTube it’s pretty bare. That’s because I took out most of the old content as I plan on updating it with video of this week and the May 22-25th’s sets. It’s time for a refresh.

Finally, my birthday is tomorrow. Don’t worry, you still have time to get me something. I’m easy to shop for. Crumpled dollar bills out of a dirty hand is my favorite thing, so that’ll do.

Matt

I learned my family recipe for pasta sauce recently and a couple of comics wanted to know how to make it. So last time I whipped up a batch I busted out my iPhone and recorded the process.

How To Make Pasta Sauce With Meatballs And Sausage

Its been four days since the Academy Awards and I’ve just read another feminist blog post talking about Seth Macfarlane’s overly sexist performance as this year’s emcee. The “I Saw Your Boobs” song and a joke about George Clooney eventually having sex with Quvenzhané Wallis, who is currently 9 years old, tend to get the most attention. While this hasn’t exploded quite like the Daniel Tosh rape-joke debacle last year, its really touched a nerve and, for no good reason, I’d like to chime in.

Full disclosure: I didn’t watch the Academy Awards (see previous blog post). I did watch the “Boobs” song to see what the fuss was about (its pretty bad), and I don’t really need to hear the Quvenzhane Wallis joke to know its just wrong. I’ve also read or watched all the questionable jokes/comments at this point. In general it sounds like Macfarlane was given a slew of frat-boy humor to tell with the curious goal of expanding the Academy Awards demographic to attract more male viewers in all the wrong ways. So lets talk about demographics and their relationship to this show.

I should start by stating that yes, Seth Macfarlane’s performance contained a lot of sexism. Unlike Ricky Gervais’ hilarious roasting at the two Golden Globes awards, which included really hard jabs at lead male actors and the Hollywood establishment in general, Macfarlane’s bits tend to revolve around how women are vacant and annoying. This is questionable for a telecast that skews 62% FEMALE (link), and is referenced as the “Super Bowl For Women“. And while some people might think that title is sexist, too, (see link) its a really important way to think about the Oscars relative to female demographics.

Demographics?

You see, in TV and movies you have to have a target demographic. Its primarily a tool for advertisers; if your show’s demographic targets men ages 18 – 30 (see Family Guy) then the companies who buy advertising space on that show are going to be different than the companies who buy ads during Glee. Demographics can include lots of things: income, race, religion, age, gender, sexual orientation. Documentaries and political programs, for example, can get pretty narrow. Generally if you can expand your demographics its seen as a good thing because you attract more advertisers. Now this isn’t always true. Sometimes you nail your demographic so hard other TV stations don’t even try to fucking compete, they just counter program in a completely different demo and accept the loss (See “Glee” at 9pm vs 1600 Penn and 2 dramas that started at 8:30. Guess who’s getting the young female audience ad revenue?). The Oscars are way, way bigger than Glee, tho, and has the potential for way more $ in advertising dollars so it makes sense for them to expand. But the way they did it further proves my suspicion that Hollywood has no idea what its doing, and when they do something right its completely by accident.

How to fuck up a race your winning that has no other participants

In recent years, the Oscars seemed to have embraced its demo. They play up the red carpet show as much as the ceremony itself. The show is produced by two men who specialize in musicals. This year in particular the awards show was compared to the Tony awards because of its numerous musical numbers and paying tribute to recent musical films like Chicago (having been the last musical to win Best Picture). These are what I call GOOD DECISIONS. Women make up the majority of the demographics for musicals and fashion shows. The Oscars have a huge female audience. GIVE YOUR AUDIENCE WHAT IT WANTS. Now yes, gay men watch these shows too (I can already hear people wanting to point that out) but if we’re talking about a 62% female viewership that’s where the advertising dollars are going. Plus this blog is about women so that’s what were focusing on.

So you are winning your demographic hand over fist, but you think you could get some more male viewers. What do you do? A reverse half-time show. The Super-Bowl has a million-dollar-half-time show every year that nobody who watches the game wants to see. Its for their weakest demographic, young women. Everybody knows this and accepts it (more on the NFL later). Now, the Oscars have a host whom everyone usually hates unless its Billy Crystal. I don’t know why this is. Once Hugh Jackman hosted in 2009 I thought that was it, he’d be the host forever. He’s a handsome guy who can sing and dance. He hasn’t hosted since. Bob Hope, Billy Crystal and Johnny Carson have been the most endearing emcees. So if you are an older, self-deprecating comedian who can sing and dance, you’re safe. If only Jon Stewart could hold a tune.

Anyway, the Oscars host is their halftime show, at least this year. Inserting a guy who makes TV shows primarily for adolescent boys is their version of Beyonce singing “Single Ladies” in-between giant supermen trying to kill each other. On paper, it kind of makes sense. Young men don’t watch the Oscars. They like Family Guy. Get the guy who makes Family Guy to host the Oscars. New advertising dollars.

The problem is, young men also like farts, boobs & vaginas, hitting things and thinking women are stupid, especially the ones that are pretty and don’t sleep with them. Its too much of a polar opposite. If you really want to get men to watch the host but without the adolescent baggage, have Deon Sanders do it. He’s charismatic and entertaining. I don’t know if he can sing but we all know he can dance as evidenced by numerous pick-six celebrations. He’s also a family man with a wife and five children. I know this probably sounds crazy but if we are really going to use the host as a bridge for expanding demographics, this would be the most reasonable way to do it outside of comedians like Chris Rock or Jon Stewart, whom everyone seems to hate hosting the Oscars.

In the end we can’t quite blame Seth Macfarlane completely. Lets not forget that the host doesn’t write his own shit. Someone else wrote those jokes and musical numbers because they were “Seth Macfarlane-like” and worked to its demographic ploy. Unfortunately, these people were too stupid to realize they were insulting their main demographic over and over again in the process.

Which brings me back to the NFL. In general, female audiences are a more attractive demographic. Men don’t buy stuff other than beer and fast food. If they didn’t have to wear pants, they would go to work naked. That’s why male-dominated programming like sports always has two types of commercials: beer and fast food. In the end, it makes you wonder why the Oscars would try to attract more male viewers at all. Now, the advertising for shows with female audiences? Well, there’s commercials for makeup, home repair, cooking, clothes, shoes, children’s needs, house cleaning supplies, weight-loss solutions etc etc etc. Are some of these choices stereotypical? YES. Do advertisers care? NO.

So the NFL knows this. They aren’t fools when it comes to making money. So they have made a very well-thought out and well executed push to attract female viewers. And they are the only major sport to really try and do so. They have female sideline reporters now at almost every game and. they are actually knowledgeable and passionate about the sport instead of just pretty faces. In fact, they are more qualified that some (ok, many) of the former players that do reporting. They also keep trying to make the aforementioned half-time show an event in and of itself that is meant a female audience without being pandering. I personally think the Beyonce show was the best they’ve done. They fucking brought Destiny’s Child back. They’ve also acknowledged the popularity of Super Bowl commercials with women. Think about Super Bowl commercials of years past. Budweiser used to have girls in bikini’s busting open sudsy beers by a pool. Last year? A sentimental story about a man and his pet horse. GOOD DECISIONS. The NFL even has a line of clothing just for women and they actively give a shit about it. I remember when women’s NFL jerseys first came out. They were all pink. It was the dumbest thing. Girls who were into football hated them, and rightfully so. How naive and condescending can you be? “Girls want a football jersey to wear? Make it pink!” It failed and they changed the clothes to have team colors and now have celebrity designers. The only pink you see is in October, when the NFL celebrates breast-cancer awareness month by selling pink merchandise that funds breast cancer research. MORE GOOD DECISIONS.

All of this stuff has good intentions, it works (the NFL is bigger than ever and has more female fans than ever) and NONE of it detracts from the game itself. Football is still football. Guys still hit each other with the intent to injure them, and badly. Sometimes they wear pink when they do it, but its for a good cause.

The Academy Awards either needs to figure out the reverse of this or just stop. Having sexist 14-year-old-boy humor in your awards show is so fucking stupid I can’t begin to comprehend how nobody in the production food chain opposed it. And for the record, not all men think sexism is funny. I thought the “Boob Song” and the Quvenzhané Wallis joke were both bad and uncomfortable to watch. Its such a monumental fail on all levels.

If I were The Academy Awards I would call Hugh Jackman right now and check his avails for February 2014. If he’s booked, call Billy Crystal.

Either way, I’m probably still not going to watch. Unless you get Deon Sanders.

Comedian Joe Tobin very kindly offered to have me come over and live-tweet the oscars with him tonight. If you don’t know Joe, he’s a solid comedian, football fan and accomplished guitarist who also makes great chili. And while I would normally take Joe up on this offer (it came with the promise of food) I had to decline. I’m recording some rock-n-roll today with my band and probably won’t be done until the last millionaire has collected their undeserved statuette. So apologies to Joe and to our comedy careers, our absent tweets will probably do us in as Bay Area comedians. Also, I’m gonna miss out on a hell of a casserole.

*i may still live tweet the oscars while not actually watching them. My twitter handle is @realmattmorales

Chinese New Year

I went to the Chinese New Year parade for the first time ever last night. We all know that there is a big parade, but did you know there’s tons of fireworks that are sold for pennies on the dollar and then ignited on the street? It’s true! Now for those of you who don’t know, fireworks are illegal to sell and use in San Francisco (outside of city-approved and paid-for displays, like NYE). But in Chinatown? Fuck it! Load up on the shit and dance through it.

fireworks!

And don’t forget pop pops. Those little annoying poppers are everywhere and they are 5 boxes for a dollar! Fun for adults and children alike.

pop pops

Shows

I’m doing two shows in the mission on Saturday. 8pm at the cynic cave and 10pm at the dark room. The dark room show might sell out, tickets here

So there you go. Go see my shows. Follow me on twitter. Listen to my band so you can get excited about the song I’m recording today. Then get more people into it and form a cult similar to Juggalos and have a dirty white person festival to celebrate my work. Whatever.

I’m at the San Francisco Punch Line tonight for their super-special valentines day show: tickets

My good friend Joe Tobin will be there performing as well, presumably with his shirt ticket into his jeans (he’s been into that lately).

I did all my personal Valentines Day stuff with my girlfriend the past two days. Day one was flowers and chocolate. Yesterday I cooked dinner. I like this whole spreading things out thing better, to be honest. Also, flowers are way cheaper on February 12 than they are in the 14th.

Also, if you have a girlfriend and she says don’t do anything for her for valentines day because she hates the holiday, buy her flowers, chocolate, and cook her dinner. Maybe she does hate the holiday but she loves the shit out of instagramming the stuff you did and showing it off to her friends. Remember, it’s part “I love you” and part “fuck those bitches”.

Love,

Matt

Going to be on the Comet Comedy show tomorrow: https://www.facebook.com/cometclubcomedy

Its one of a few shows I’ve been booked on recently that I’ve never done before. So far all of these new venues / showcases have been great, and I think this will be the same. Please come see me. It starts at 8:30. Its in the Marina. Please just fucking come see me.

It’s been a good month for shows all-around, to be honest. Red Scott’s room in the Financial District was solid. The Punch Line showcases have been great as usual. And last week’s Run Amok show was probably our best yet.

Ok I’ll stop blowing myself. Come see my show tomorrow. I lub you guys.

My band, Run Amok, is playing in the Mission tonight. Details are here: https://www.facebook.com/events/467815683274986/

If you aren’t familiar with us, we are a three piece that plays early 90′s style alt rock. The songs are all originals, and they aren’t funny. I feel like I need to point that out since I’m obviously known more for doing stand-up comedy than playing guitar in a band. Anyway, I think we are very good and that seeing tonight’s show would be an enjoyable experience. Just fucking go, please.

Thanks to Red Scott for the set at Muphy’s Pub last night. Going to stop by 50 Mason tonight and then I’m on the showcase at the Punch Line this Sunday.

Next week is more music-centric. My band Run Amok is playing at SUBMission in San Francisco on Thursday the 17. Then we are recording a new tune with our favorite producer Steve Murr on Saturday. I’ll be back to telling dick jokes the following week.

I just found out Petaluma has a Batman. Yea. Some guy roams around its tiny, old-timey downtown with a Batman mask and what appears to be a black t-shirt and dickies. This makes me think of a couple of things. 1: I can’t overstate how glad I am I’m in a relationship. I could easily be San Francisco’s Batman, patrolling the Mission District and getting raped on occasion. But I’ve got a lady to spend time with. 2: I can’t stop laughing at the possibility of a follow up news report on this guy that announces he’s dead. Like, maybe he’d try to stop a real crime like a robbery and he gets shot. The image on the news is some dipshit in a costume crumbled on the ground wearing a Halloween mask. God, something might be wrong with me but I think that’s the funniest shit ever. I mean, I hope nothing bad actually happens to this guy. But fuck me, that would be a riot.

Time to call my picks for football this weekend.

Seattle over Atlanta.
Pats over Houston.
Denver over Baltimore.
San Francisco over Green Bay.

The SF / GB one is the hardest to pick. In the end, I’m just going for the team with home field advantage. But I might eat it on that one.

Alright that’s it. I’m out.